Given 963 million people go to bed hungry every night and 150 million children between the ages of under 14 years old are engaged in child labour worldwide we can safely say that our (Australian) teens’ lives aren’t comparatively that bad. “Try convincing my daughter of that!” one mum recently said to me. “She hasn’t stopped making demands since she woke up this morning!!”
Parents regularly speak to me about their teenager’s shocking sense of entitlement. On a bad day, they feel like they exist to meet their teenager’s every desire and whim, which is not a cool job description for any parent. On a good day, they are frustrated by their teen’s general disregard for time, money and other things in general.
Before we get up in arms about this generation, I’d like to stop and see the world through their eyes for a minute. They are a generation who aspire to the good life, as found in their ‘news feeds’ every day. But ordinary can never measure up to the highlight reel of happy faces and special places they see. I think that our kids are asking themselves – What can’t my life look like theirs? What is wrong with my family? Shouldn’t my life be better than it is?
We have to work really hard at bringing young people back to basics; where hard work meets outcomes, money doesn’t grow on trees and we all live on an equal playing field. My hope is that these three strategies will help you do just that.
Make Room for Life Lessons
Small incidental lessons like the one I am about to share with you are powerful ways of teaching teens respect. Any instances where you are in the ‘driver’s seat’ are moments you can use to your advantage. Here’s a great little example that shows how easy it is to teach your children that your time is valuable…
Daughter’s Text: I forgot my PE uniform and I really, really need it before my class this afternoon or I’ll be in big trouble please, please bring it and meet me at the office at lunchtime.
Mum’s Text: What’s in it for me? You are interrupting my afternoon.
Daughter’s Text: ummmm….
Mum’s Text: I need the washing done tonight – three loads and hung out.
Daughter’s Text: Okay I’ll do it tonight.
Mum’s Text: Deal.
Mum then drove up to the school and took the uniform to the office. Instead of feeling resentful for having to bring the uniform up or feeling guilty because her kid was the one who forgot it, she proudly said to the school receptionist, “I’m getting the washing done tonight for bringing this up!” To which the receptionist replied, “Good on you. You wouldn’t believe how many mums run up here saying it is their fault that their kid forgot it!”
Let Them Say No
Teens don’t like to hear the word ‘no’, so don’t say it. Put the ball in their court. Enabling them to manage their own money and feel the full weight of mismanagement is actually a really important part of their development. One mum told me that she gave her daughter a set amount of money each week and expected her to manage her own purchases including entertainment and take-away food. This forced her to make conscious choices and set priorities. It also stopped a lot of the arguments they were having. If she wanted takeaway on the way home from school the answers is always, “Sure darling. Got your money?”
Part time jobs are priceless! I can’t think of a better way to guide a young person than to teach them the value of hard work. If you prefer your teenager to earn money at home, but are tired of arguing about jobs, why not outsource them? Why not get them to do jobs for neighbours or other family members? They are more likely to work hard for someone they are less familiar with.
It’s challenging not to jump when our teens demand their own way, but we have to remember that our responses will teach them how to treat us. I encourage parents to keep a look out for everyday opportunities to challenge entitlement and reinforce respect and connection. We will notice they are all around us if we keep an eye out for them.
RECOMMENDED READING: You can find more on this topic in my book ‘Parenting Teenage Girls in the Age of a New Normal‘