My heart is broken for those who were attending the Hanukkah celebration at Bondi Beach, for their families and friends whose lives have since been changed forever, and for the surrounding community impacted. It would be remiss not to recognise the emergency services, police, and the acts of everyday people who have so bravely contributed to the safety of others.

When acts of senseless violence occur, we understandably focus on helping children and teens feel safe again. I know there is already a great deal of thoughtful guidance circulating about what to say in the wake of this terrorist attack. 

Because I work closely with teenagers, I know moments like these are also formative.  Moments like this don’t simply pass through them. They shape them. They influence how young people come to see the world, other people and their own place within it. As parents, we are not powerless in that process.

This is when identity and values crystallise, and the frameworks we help them build now will guide them for life. The conversations we have with our kids matter greatly because they are forming their moral scaffolding.

Adolescence is a developmental window where our kids move from concrete thinking to abstract reasoning. They are thinking about justice, morality and their place in society. Unlike younger children who need reassurance and simple explanations, teenagers are actively constructing their worldview. They’re asking: What kind of world is this? What kind of person will I be in it? Why does it matter anyway?

These are two conversations I believe are worth having with every young person.

Conversation One: Small Moments Shape Culture Over Time

This first conversation carries immediate relevancy for their world. It’s simply that the systemic hatred we have experienced at Bondi has deep roots. It has built over time, for generations. This was an antisemitic terrorist attack deliberately targeting Jewish people on the first day of Hanukkah.

Post this event, teenagers will quickly talk about their lives because they are in a stage of life where they are processing who they are. You might begin to hear about their experiences with racist jokes, exclusion, bullying or conversations where violence or hatred is glorified.

While nothing can be compared to the horror of what happened at Bondi Beach, understanding how systemic hatred develops can help our teens recognise and resist it in their own spheres. I want our kids to know that hatred is chosen and maintained moment by moment, in daily interactions. Social values, norms and culture are formed in ordinary moments. How we treat people day to day when we are frustrated, under pressure, angry, feeling competitive or jealous matters so much.

High standards in our homes and schools are worth protecting. If I were standing in front of a room full of Year 9 students right now, I wouldn’t be talking about geopolitics. I’d be talking about safety in shared principles, clear expectations and boundaries. I’d be talking about why every person deserves safety, and the right to live free from harm, and why we need to hold each other accountable to this in both the small and big things.

Conversation Two: Every Emotion Can Have a Positive Expression

The second conversation begins with permission to feel angry, frightened or deeply sad and use that wisely.  I spoke to a 24 year old this morning who said, “I don’t even feel like I should leave the house today. The world feels unsafe and like I shouldn’t be going to work.” RIGHTLY SO, I thought. I can only imagine how our kids in Sydney, and those in the Jewish community are feeling right now.  

The emotions our teenagers experience don’t just need soothing or settling. They don’t just need space. They need direction, context, values, and a clear story to gain their full meaning. What’s important to note is that this meaning will take shape anyway. The question is whether our children are left alone with this work, or whether steady adults will help shape it. I’d rather be a part of it.

Please don’t shelter teenagers from complexities. They are emerging adults who deserve our adult table. Research shows that the way teens process major events during this identity-formation period shapes their civic engagement, empathy and sense of agency for decades to come. This is why simply comforting them isn’t enough. We need to help them build meaning. I invite my own kids into thoughtful conversations about the world they are inheriting, and am very often met with insight, nuance and moral clarity. I have listened to young people speak over the past day with such articulation and care. It fills me with genuine hope.

When teens are ready, we can gently help them notice how they can give. “What do you have to give?” is a question I ask teenagers all the time. It shows them their rightful place in the world, and tells them, “You matter.” Emotions move us in all sorts of healthy ways if we can embrace the reason they come knocking. People are donating blood, offering financial support, lighting candles in solidarity with those killed, comforting people they have never met and showing their support to the Jewish community.

Why Our Response Matters

The greatest way to help a teenager is to show them how to “be” during a crisis.  In moments like this, we are not only helping children cope, but we are also shaping how they understand what to do with fear, how to respond to harm, what responsibility looks like and how much agency they have in a complicated world. That’s stuff they are absorbing by listening and watching us. So, grieve openly, honestly and well parents. They need to see our deep feelings, and willingness to give.

My thoughts are with everyone affected, and with families across the country navigating these conversations right now. How we walk our children through moments like these matters, for the long haul.

Our kids are the helpers and the heroes of tomorrow. What I want our young people to see is that there are people in abundance, from all age groups and from all cultures who stand against hatred and for the protection of others. Among them was Ahmed al Ahmed, an unarmed Muslim man who tackled and disarmed one of the shooters.