Resilience isn’t just about what children do in the difficult times. Like physical strength, mental strength is built during training, not during competition. The way our kids handle life’s small knocks shapes how they’ll respond when the big ones hit. Each challenge, frustration, or disappointment is a mini workout for their emotional muscles and every one of those workouts matters.

I often explain it like this. Imagine your young person’s life as one long gym session and your role as the personal trainer. Every day, they’re doing life’s squats.

We all know what happens when those squats start to burn. Our tweens and teens might want to quit, saying, “I can’t handle this.” But it’s in the moments where they feel stretched that capacity is grows. 

During their stretch moments, our style as the “parent coach” is critical. 

An inexperienced coach might be hesitant to lean into the pain of the stretch. They might say, “You look exhausted. I know you are meant to be training today, but take a seat. There is always tomorrow.” Let’s be mindful that when we pull our kids out of the game too soon we rob them of essential training time.

An experienced coach would understand the value of the stretch.  They might say, “I know your are in pain. You’ve only got five more squats to go. Let me count you down.  If you need to shake it out, that’s okay.  If you need to breathe, breathe.  Your goals are worth it. You are worth it.” 

That kind of encouragement doesn’t remove the challenge. It stays present through it.

Of course, being a experienced coach also doesn’t mean pushing our kids until they collapse. Our kids need five more squats, not one hundred more squats. I humorously say to parents, “They don’t need us to squat them to death.”  Sometimes our enthusiasm to build resilience can tip into overtraining, which is just as unhelpful as taking them out of the gym class. 

The ideal is for our kids to recognise discomfort as part of growth. Each time they face their limits and push gently through, they gain both capacity and confidence. That’s the moment they realise, “I did it. I can get five more squats out of myself anytime I need to.”

Here are some creative ways to be a great parent coach and support the stretch today:

• You have shown so much strength already. Give it one more push. 
• Opting out is not an option. You have too much to offer.
• Something in life are worth doing, ant this is one of them. 
• What is the most challenging part of this task? Let’s make a plan. 
• Looks like you have hit a wall. How are you going to get this over the line? 
• I am right here. How can I do to support you? 
• Shall we break this into mini check-in points? What is your next pitstop? 
• How do you want to celebrate once you have accomplished this?

Resilience doesn’t come from avoiding the burn but learning to move through it. In those moments, our kids don’t need us to lift the weight for them. They just need to know we’re in the gym, counting every rep beside them and cheering them on. 

RECOMMENDED READING: For more, check out Michelle’s book “Everyday Resilience: Helping Kids Handle Friendship Drama, Academic Pressure and the Self-doubt of Growing Up”.