The brilliance of the series Adolescence lies in this central idea: “This could happen to any family.” That premise has powerfully pulled all of us—parents, educators, communities—into the conversation about how our kids are using technology. Jamie, the 13-year-old at the center of the story, looks like your average kid. He’s childlike in appearance. His family feels familiar. That universality has worked. It’s got us all talking, and that alone is a huge win.

But here’s where I want to push back—just a little.

Because in real life, the stories of 13-year-olds who commit serious acts of violence are rarely rooted in ordinary, loving homes like Jamie’s appears to be. The dear kids and teens who are most vulnerable to the ‘manosphere’ are kids who are not connected to loving, caring homes. And, of no fault of their own, have been born into deeply complex stories.

They are very often surrounded by one or more of these risk factors:
• Exposure to domestic violence
• Abuse or neglect by caregivers
• Early exposure and use of drugs and alcohol
• History of crime or violence
• Mental health challenges
(This is obviously not an exhaustive list. Being socially marginalised is a risk factor, which Jamie’s group of three were.) 

Even then, one factor is rarely enough. It’s the accumulation of multiple risk factors over time that increases the likelihood of a kid harming others. Bluntly, violence doesn’t just appear overnight, and rarely without warning — it comes from long-standing pain, fractured attachments, and unmet emotional needs. 

I want to quote Steve Biddulph, author of the international bestseller Raising Boys, whose work I deeply respect. He recently wrote this on his Facebook page: One flaw in Adolescence is its “just plausible” premise—that a child from a loving, bonded home could take such a dark turn. In reality, children who kill are often marked by years of neglect, disrupted attachment, and exposure to violence. 

While many of us do need a good wake up when it comes to the complexities of being a teenager, I also don’t want us to overly simply things. Simply watching Andrew Tate or dipping into the manosphere is highly unlikely to turn an otherwise connected child into someone capable of killing another human being. As my own son wryly observed, “I think Andrew Tate is getting WAY too much credit. I think it’s parents’, teachers’, and sport coaches’ relationships with their kids that have way more influence.”

We stand between the manosphere and our kids – if we so choose. I want to be that encouraging voice that says, “We are pushing back. We are doing this – together.” Yes, this machine is powerful, but so are we. Human connection has always been the most critical piece in the story. 

Connection, which includes straight talk, modeling, and boundaries, is where we need to focus our attention. Our kids may wobble and get impacted by the awful toxic messages around masculinity, but when they have trusted adults to guide them and hold them accountable, they have a safe base. When they have a relationship with a mother and a sister who they love, they are emotionally invested in women — and are only setting a kid up for success.

Parenting in this day and age is confronting. This series is designed to motivate us to be the parents we need to be in our kids’ lives. Delay as long as possible. Monitor what they do online. Use safety software. Notice when they aren’t right. Communicate, communicate, communicate, and then some. Show up and stay close.

If you are showing up as a respectful, decent human being in this world, role modeling healthy relationships – THANK YOU. It is going to take a community effort to tackle technology.

What Matters?

1. Be your child’s primary attachment figure. Not TikTok. Not YouTube. Not any podcast host promising to unlock the secrets of masculinity or popularity.
2. How much screen time is too much? Here’s my answer. If it’s coming between you and your relationship with your child, or their wellbeing, it’s too much. It can be entertaining, informative, even fun—but it must never be our children’s emotional anchor or identity source.
3. When you are around his mates, be the voice they need. Boys take in more than they let on. You don’t have to be cool or clever — just real. A single comment, gesture, or movement of presence can shape how they see manhood and themselves.

4. If your son is looking to self-improve, take note. There are heaps of people (of all genders and sexes) on the internet ready to tell your boy how to be a man.

5. Boys need real-life experiences that help them feel their worth That’s never just one person’s job. There comes a time in a young man’s life when he looks around and needs a community of good men to experience life with. My heart wants to leave no child behind. The community programs that are offering adventure and story telling for our young boys are making an investment that I am eternally grateful for. 

Suitable to watch with teens?

Only if they are interested in doing so. I don’t see any point in forcing this viewing on kids, either in schools or homes. There is no graphically visual content, which really helps this be used as a discussion tool. Please do watch it yourself first, as it has heavy themes and content.

Concluding

So yes, Adolescence may have got one thing wrong—but in doing so, it got so much else right. It brought the conversation to every lounge room, every school gate, and every parent’s heart. We are all seeing differently things as we watch this series which is GREAT. We are all thinking about a big issue, but in our thinking let’s remember what the answer is – CONNECTION. 

And that is something we can all be grateful for.

Listen to the ABC podcast interview with Michelle on the Netflix series HERE.

WANT MORE SUPPORT?

My recent webinar: How to talk to Tweens and Teens About Tech  is available to download now. This includes a social media contract, and accompanying PDF resource pack.