Regulation is friendship’s best kept secret. 

Having worked closely with tweens and teens for so many years, I understand that this is in no way easy for them.  After an hour of heartfelt sobbing, Emma offered me a beautiful analogy, “I feel like I’m in a board game and I don’t know any of the moves.” That sounds like a very difficult place to be in. I’d go as far as saying it was disorientating and confusing for her, so it’s no wonder she needed to anchor herself before responding.

When our kids feel this way, our job isn’t to take over the friendship game for them. It’s to help them find their footing and understand the rules, so they can take their next move with confidence.

Friendship challenges are an incredibly rich platform to help kids learn emotional regulation strategies and we want to capitalise on both as we coach them forward. In Friendship Smart I talk about helping adolescents set up four categories of “immovables” to anchor them when friendships are challenging and how to communicate and support them during friendship crisis’. In this blog I want to talk about balancing validation while strengthening a growth mindset.

Step 1: Let’s Not Fight the Intensity

We want tweens and teens to know all emotions are an acceptable and necessary part of being human. In the same way we accept anything else about ourselves (or our experiences) that we cannot change – our age, our height, freckles or ears, we can accept emotions. That is not a free pass to behave poorly. There is a difference. 

Minimising or dismissing strong feelings will only tend to ramp them up, because our tween’s brains seek to be understood in the process of regulating. The more we block them the more they will scream or yell to make sure they are heard. So, let’s validate exactly how our kids are feeling first.

We don’t have to agree with their perspective or believe their emotions are proportionate to the situation to validate them. We simply need to acknowledge that what they are feeling is real for them and stay present with them in it. That’s a powerful start. But it doesn’t end there.

Step 2: Discussion That Empowers

Once kids have shared their feelings, they may want more from you. Venting alone can leave them stuck in an uncomfortable place that hasn’t moved them any closer to a solution. Ideally, we want to help them move from “This feels awful” to “I can do this.”

The path between those two points is not always straightforward. It can be winding and messy. However, our goal is to help them make sense of their experience so they aren’t endlessly replaying an unhelpful version of what happened.

Although it’s tempting (and much quicker) to offer kids and teens’ ready made answers, it won’t help them in the long term. The problem with conflict always being followed by adult intervention is that kids can get into the habit of projecting their wishful thinking onto someone else who they perceive as being more powerful than they are. If our kid’s focus their energy on recruiting support (usually in the form of dobbing, begging, nagging, sulking or crying) rather than problem-solving, they miss vital learning opportunities. We are best to ask questions that express a sense of curiosity and empower them to take ownership.

Good questions help young people think, reflect and discover their own way forward. Here are some questions that encourage ownership:

Questions about the conversation:

  • What do you need from this conversation?
  • What role do you want me to play right now?
  • Do you need me to listen, help with some ideas or just organise what you are already thinking?


Questions about the friendship:

  • What do you ideally want from this friendship?
  • What is realistic and what isn’t?
  • What is in your control and what isn’t?
  • What facts do you have?
  • What information are you missing?
  • What fears do you have?

Step 3: Find a Positive Expression 

Emotions are not designed to sit still. They are designed to move. Think creating, imagining, building and doing rather, than just sitting still and analysing them.

These are some questions that empower kids to positively express those big feelings:

  • How can you look after you?
  • What is energising you, even though you are hurting?
  • Are we scheduling enough time for you to play?
  • What can you invest your time into now you have talked about this?
  • Is there anything you are carrying that isn’t yours to carry?


One of my dearly loved local psychotherapists wisely tells me that children who have imaginations become their own play therapists. Imaginative play pulls kids out of their heads and into their bodies. It is a powerful tool to help children to process emotion, and I see it re-energise tweens in a way that nothing else does.

Any type of play including immersing themselves in craft, participating in drama, dance, or sport, or building forts, slides and adventure courses are all helpful.

Step 4: Trust the Timing

If our kids’ mindset is moving in a positive direction, the time it takes to get there is less concerning. I am continually surprised by the ways young people find their own path through discomfort, anguish and pain. Celebrate those glimmers of strength.

The biggest difference research highlights is how differently boys and girls process problems in close relationships at the end of the day. Research suggests boys are less likely to talk problems through with friends, while girls are more likely to engage in repeated discussion of interpersonal difficulties. Boys may be more likely to minimise, distract, or move on quickly, even when the issue has not fully gone away.

What I do know is that because boys tend not to talk about their friendship issues, adults are less concerned about or aware of the experience. If you have sons, as I do, this is worth taking note of.

While interviewing adolescents in my small focus groups, their reflections mirrored the research. Boys told me they feel uncomfortable talking about friendships, let alone friendship drama. It made them feel silly, weak or ‘like a drama queen’, especially if no one else was raising the topic. Overall, they tended to avoid the subject even between themselves.

A Year 12 boy said, ‘We move on quicker. Boys will look at a social media post and think “what a tool” but girls get on and comment and it will blow up on them. Boys think, “Why do you want to start a problem that you didn’t need to?” Why do girls do that?’ Girls told me that they deliberately discuss disagreements and keep them alive by catastrophising what’s going on. They often enjoy the process of fighting because it bonds them, even though they all say they want less drama.

One Year 12 girl who tried to avoid drama throughout high school said, ‘I think it’s almost bonding for girls to create drama together, and if you don’t want to get involved, you don’t fit in. That’s been the hardest thing for me, and I ended up hanging out with the boys a lot because of it.’

Step 5: Lean Into Routine  

The everyday routines in our homes are very grounding because they pull children away from re-living negative experiences and help them refocus on what is happening in the present moment. 

Mealtimes, bedtime rituals, walking the dog, family movie nights and regular activities all remind children that while one part of life feels uncertain, much of it remains steady and reliable. That’s one of the reasons why I encourage parents to try to maintain (and even increase) the structure around a child’s life when they are experiencing intense emotions. Familiarity communicates safety. 

And there is a sensory element to many of these routines too. Things like the flow of water during shower time, the sensation of eating dessert, the pace of their steps while they walk the dog, the feeling of different shaped objects while they pick up their toys can all help ground them in the here and now. These experiences gently reconnect children to their bodies, their environment and the present moment.

In closing, I’d like to leave you with this thought. Home really is the hero in kids’ lives. It is the emotional shield from all that hurts us, bothers us, and tires us. It’s a place where love is tangible, and we are cared for in ways that make it easier for us to move back into the world with a soft heart. It’s the Utopia that we all yearn for and strive towards. When they feel disappointed, lost, afraid or disorientated it will be the predictability of home that continues to welcome them with open arms and wise words. As you implement these strategies, know you are offering your tween the home they deserve.

RECOMMENDED READING: You will find more about this topic in my book Friendship Smart

friendship smart book cover
GET THE BOOK